I cried today.

I’m not an emotional person. I keep them locked tight and close to my chest I when I do cry it’s usually because I feel so helpless I can’t fight it.

Today I sat with my eleven week old daughter asleep in my arms and I read about Eric Garner, I read the words he said before he was murdered and I cried. It was completely involuntary and the emotion I felt at that moment I could not put into words. It expressed itself its own way. 

‘Please just leave me alone’

I never really understood what true worry was until I became a mother. Granted I haven’t been one for very long but since my daughter was born all I do is worry… and Google. My search history contains every single sniffle or sound my daughter makes wondering if she is okay. 

Every news article I read every time I turn on my computer I see more and more things that make me worry for the world I must send my daughter into. I think, it wasn’t always this bad was it? Was it that I didn’t notice? Maybe. But I notice now and the feeling of helplessness I have when I view the world today is suffocating.

‘I can’t breathe’

Something needs to change. Something needs to happen. It’s coming, I know though that when it does. It won’t be pretty, it won’t be peaceful. It will be violent and costly because that is what humanity is. For some reason that is the only thing that changes us.

Vent...

I'm pregnant. Which is surprising if you know me as I have made my aversion to small children quite clear on many occasions. 

The most common question I get asked when anyone finds out that I am pregnant is: 

Are you excited?

I have no clue. Just a bizarre question all around. Like the gauntlet of emotions and sensations and worries can be boiled down to one quite frankly ludicrous word. The answer is different everyday. It's different every minute. When I am confronted with this question I freeze force a wary smile and say 'I don't know what I'm feeling'. Which is true and not true. The first few months of pregnancy my response to that question wanted to be 'No. I feel like re warmed shit and fuck you for even asking. I hate everything. I hate being pregnant and I just want to curl into a ball and cry until I'm dead' I wish that was hyperbole. It's not. That is how sick I felt, nauseous all the time with no relief and no end in sight. I felt lonely and stupid. Lonely as I couldn't properly articulate how I felt with out everyone trying to offer me 'solutions': Try lemons, or ginger, or a warm bath, or smelling salts or acupuncture. Thanks, I tried all of that none of it has worked and when you throw solutions at me all I hear is 'Please stop complaining about it' So I did and it was the loneliest damn feeling in the world. Stupid. I felt stupid for feeling the way I did, for being out of control, for expecting everyone around me to just make it about me for a bit, and mostly they couldn't. Though bless my fiancé, he tried the hardest out of anyone and he was the best at it. 

The second trimester was pretty okay. The sickness had abated (mostly) and for a little while I felt like myself again. I was cooking, wanting to go places, cleaning the house, even enjoying work. I was a little frustrated by my changing body (yes I know miracle of life blah blah) because I'm vain and I like how I look in clothes. What? But suddenly other things started to creep up on me. I'd read stuff about parenting and wonder if I was capable of being a parent. Of teaching a small creature how to pee and poo appropriately, how to wipe its bum, how to brush its teeth... all the things I take for granted. Could I put up with my kid screaming in public or refusing to listen to me? I started even remembering myself as a child, nagging, selfish. How would I respond to all of that? I tell you what, my appreciation for my mother has never been higher. I would give her all the gifts in the world for putting up with me. 

Now with the end in sight. I'm even more terrified and nervous. Am I really ready for this? Some days I'm like. Pfft yeah, I can do this. I can do anything. Other days, I worry about labour, about what will happen, how much will it hurt? Will I be able to breastfeed? how weird is that gonna be? I'm tired all the time and nothing fits, walking is a pain and dragging myself into work everyday is so draining. Every time she kicks I'm both pleased and hate it. Because it bloody hurts. She's playing football with my organs and it makes me really tired. I'm getting sick of being pregnant and longing for the days beforehand. Which is silly because those days are gone. I will need to readjust. I can't wait to meet her and subsequently dread it. Not to mention my relationships with people have changed. I've noticed people who I used to chat with regularly avoiding me. I don't get invited to the group outings because I'm not drinking and when I do go out I'm the lame one who has to leave early. None of my friends have babies and while they find it exciting, it's also alienating. I wasn't particularly social to begin with but now my social activity is almost nil and I miss it. I miss drinking on Friday nights and having innocuous conversations late into the evening. I'm just too tired to do that now. When work is over. I just want to go home. 

I feel like I'm complaining a lot. I am. I don't like pregnancy and I will not miss it. But I still smile when I can feel her little feet poking my belly and hope that I can help create something to be proud of.

I'm the worst

I am terrible at updating this. I enjoy writing it but for some reason I have been unable to get up the enthusiasm. I have however been following a lot of fashion blogs. I was never that interested in fashion, despite the fact that my mother is a designer. I suppose I've always been on the periphery and never having a an actual stable job I've shied away from spending money on clothes etc. But there's a girl hidden deep inside me, that has a kind of love for all that stuff. I think my extensive shoe collection is more than enough evidence of that. That and my boyfriends constant cries of 'Are you a centipede?' every time I slink inside with a new box. Ah well. It fills a hole. The more fashion blogs I follow the more I'm tempted to start my own. If anything it will give the boyf a good reason to take pictures of me. I might even stand still for long enough while he mumbles about lighting and f stops. Follow my blog with Bloglovin  

It was less than ten minutes if I'm being honest.

Ever have that moment when you have a bag of mini chocolate biscuits and you're like, 'I'm only going to have a few of these' and then you look inside the bag and there is four left and you consider still saving them. Then it's like 'fuck it I'm just going to finish the whole bag'. Then afterwards you kind of hate yourself because even though four is pathetic there was a point where you could have easily not eaten an entire bag of mini chocolate biscuits in 10 minutes.

Audition Day!!

Man I love when we have audition days at work. All the hot actors come in and I'm just like.

New Blog

I haven't been updating this much. Been busy with work and whatnot, however I have started a new thing that I'm quite excited about. It's still a work in progress but I'll be mostly reviewing movies on the new blog with a bit of a twist, but you never know what it might turn into. So check it out if you happen to stumble across this page and let me know what you think.

The Shelf

One of the Gang...

It's weird how a little excitement can drastically change your opinions. Myself and most of the people I know were so annoyed by the Olympics. Just bitching and moaning. Myself included (see previous post). Then the athletics came on TV. The collective elation we felt as we watched the Team GB athletes win all their medals and shit. Suddenly were in it too, I was jumping up and down and cheering along with Mo Farah, I was yelling for Jessica Ennis. I was sitting in front of my computer at 3am pressing refresh in the hope I could get some last minute tickets (still a bloody farce if you ask me, which no one is). I pride myself on being my own person, going my own way. But I guess in many ways I'm just like everybody else. 

Go Team GB!!