Vent...

I'm pregnant. Which is surprising if you know me as I have made my aversion to small children quite clear on many occasions. 

The most common question I get asked when anyone finds out that I am pregnant is: 

Are you excited?

I have no clue. Just a bizarre question all around. Like the gauntlet of emotions and sensations and worries can be boiled down to one quite frankly ludicrous word. The answer is different everyday. It's different every minute. When I am confronted with this question I freeze force a wary smile and say 'I don't know what I'm feeling'. Which is true and not true. The first few months of pregnancy my response to that question wanted to be 'No. I feel like re warmed shit and fuck you for even asking. I hate everything. I hate being pregnant and I just want to curl into a ball and cry until I'm dead' I wish that was hyperbole. It's not. That is how sick I felt, nauseous all the time with no relief and no end in sight. I felt lonely and stupid. Lonely as I couldn't properly articulate how I felt with out everyone trying to offer me 'solutions': Try lemons, or ginger, or a warm bath, or smelling salts or acupuncture. Thanks, I tried all of that none of it has worked and when you throw solutions at me all I hear is 'Please stop complaining about it' So I did and it was the loneliest damn feeling in the world. Stupid. I felt stupid for feeling the way I did, for being out of control, for expecting everyone around me to just make it about me for a bit, and mostly they couldn't. Though bless my fiancé, he tried the hardest out of anyone and he was the best at it. 

The second trimester was pretty okay. The sickness had abated (mostly) and for a little while I felt like myself again. I was cooking, wanting to go places, cleaning the house, even enjoying work. I was a little frustrated by my changing body (yes I know miracle of life blah blah) because I'm vain and I like how I look in clothes. What? But suddenly other things started to creep up on me. I'd read stuff about parenting and wonder if I was capable of being a parent. Of teaching a small creature how to pee and poo appropriately, how to wipe its bum, how to brush its teeth... all the things I take for granted. Could I put up with my kid screaming in public or refusing to listen to me? I started even remembering myself as a child, nagging, selfish. How would I respond to all of that? I tell you what, my appreciation for my mother has never been higher. I would give her all the gifts in the world for putting up with me. 

Now with the end in sight. I'm even more terrified and nervous. Am I really ready for this? Some days I'm like. Pfft yeah, I can do this. I can do anything. Other days, I worry about labour, about what will happen, how much will it hurt? Will I be able to breastfeed? how weird is that gonna be? I'm tired all the time and nothing fits, walking is a pain and dragging myself into work everyday is so draining. Every time she kicks I'm both pleased and hate it. Because it bloody hurts. She's playing football with my organs and it makes me really tired. I'm getting sick of being pregnant and longing for the days beforehand. Which is silly because those days are gone. I will need to readjust. I can't wait to meet her and subsequently dread it. Not to mention my relationships with people have changed. I've noticed people who I used to chat with regularly avoiding me. I don't get invited to the group outings because I'm not drinking and when I do go out I'm the lame one who has to leave early. None of my friends have babies and while they find it exciting, it's also alienating. I wasn't particularly social to begin with but now my social activity is almost nil and I miss it. I miss drinking on Friday nights and having innocuous conversations late into the evening. I'm just too tired to do that now. When work is over. I just want to go home. 

I feel like I'm complaining a lot. I am. I don't like pregnancy and I will not miss it. But I still smile when I can feel her little feet poking my belly and hope that I can help create something to be proud of.